My Black Dog
January 30th, 2006 8
Churchill used to call his bouts with depression his “Black Dog”, that would ever so often come and visit him. I really didn’t know what depression meant, I always thought it was something people said when they were a bit sad about something. It wasn’t until my first year at University that I realised the crushing grip of depression.
For those of you that don’t know; depression isn’t feeling a little sad. It’s a deep dark pit of despair, it grips you like a vice, squeezing your stomach sending poison round your body. That first time at University was exactly this. I couldn’t face doing anything. I didn’t care what I looked like, I couldn’t interact with people anymore, something had broken inside me and I didn’t know what it was or how to make it better. Slowly, so slowly I came out of it. I floundered there for a while, but it did get better.
That was eight years ago. I remember for the longest time afterwards I was scared that It would come back, that the very act of being scared of it was going to cause it. Fear of fear is something I think we can all relate to, you wont do something because it may cause you to feel bad. I think in this context ‘bad’ is such an insipid word, but what word could you possibly use to describe the darkness of being depressed?
I’ve had other bouts of it, mostly at Uni, but always come out the other side, perhaps a bit stronger for the experience. But I’ve not felt “bad” for ages. So that brings me to today. And I’m feeling low again. I wouldn’t say that I was depressed because I can remember that feeling, and that was a lot worse. This is sporadic, occasionally smacking me in the face. I do think it’s clouding my ability to think properly, to say what I really think because I’m in self preservation mode, doing what I can to make me feel ok. Well, that’s not strictly true, I haven’t lied or done something that would hurt someone just to make me feel better, it’s more that I don’t fully trust my own feeling at the moment.
That said, I know I’ll get better. I’ve got God on my side. I know this post sounds so “oh, woe is me” but as it’s my diary, I don’t really care. Read it, don’t read it. It just helped writing it.
8 Comments (+0 in the moderation queue).
#1 On January 30th, 2006 at 11:58 am Han Kemp said...
man…this is a funny post.
i think all you can do is pray about it, there’s not a great deal more you can do in that situation…but hey, i cant really say much cause as far as i know ive never been through depression…even though life is a bit cack at the mo, im not depressed through it, just slightly stressed…nothing that God can’t tackle!
anyways…keep writing jon, it does help!
chin up dude!
#2 On January 30th, 2006 at 1:07 pm Starberri said...
You are surrounded by love and prayers. We’re all here for you.
#3 On January 30th, 2006 at 2:17 pm Paul said...
It’s becuase of posts like this, and your excellent writing style, that makes this blog great (and yes, because of that, I’m just a little bit jealous)! Perhaps I should write a similar post on my website - ‘My Best Mate’ about how talented a writer and photographer you are, and how (with my guidence) you have become an excellent web designer too
Instead I’m writting a post about Ken Korda. That’s the difference my friend, that is indeed the difference!
But you know what, our weaknesses are what make us who we are, and I think in someways your depression is what will guide you on to biggger and better things, I really do.
#4 On January 31st, 2006 at 9:17 am Jon said...
dudes, all of you, thank you! You all rock.
#5 On January 31st, 2006 at 5:38 pm Rachel said...
What an honest and open post… i was really touched that you …for one… you are so open about how your feeling today and that is for sure going to help someone eles.. lets face it you could of just hide under the covers and not bothered to write anything today and two …that you took the time to leave me a message today which was full of wisdom when you were feeling so low .. Your blessed and so is anyone who has or will read todays posting
#6 On February 19th, 2006 at 8:11 pm jjjjjjj said...
Thanks so much for this….I had a dream last night about a black dog…it was so CLEAR…I had forgotten I had a dog, and it was hungry, it needed to be fed. I went all around looking for food for it, but I couldn’t remember where to buy dog food, so my trips to various stores were in vain. When I woke up today I thought “Feed the Black Dog”…so I googled and came to this site. Thanks for making yourself vulnerable and for communicating your very impressive thoughts. And I know the Black Dog well.
#7 On May 8th, 2006 at 1:06 am John said...
Excellent posts!
I am beginning to realise now, that I can accept my black dog and fit him into my life, as Im pretty sure he’s here to stay… Having lived with him for the last 6 years, he used to make me shy, lazy, unmotivated, and I lacked creativity. Im fairly sure that his loyalty has grown stronger over the last 2-3 years, as he is getting more confident when Im out socialising and having fun. Now it gets strange…
I dont think anyone of my pals, or work collegues have ever noticed him, although Im sure they must notice I have my quiet moments, or say something that makes no sense at all. (The cool thing now), Im pleased to say I really have no more worries than any other everyday person. Im good looking, funny, confident, creative (No really!!!). I just wonder whether my excessive partying and socialising is an attempt to keep my dark companion at bay? Because Im starting to understand that he just wants to spend more time with me. Although he picks his moments to sniff around my self doubts, and discomforts; I now know its time to fully appreciate his loyalty and get on with all the things I do best.
Thanks folks!
#8 On June 7th, 2007 at 8:26 am Pauline said...
My son suffered his first bout of depression four years ago, age 19.I felt so utterly helpless to help him, unable to reach him. I heard the author of this article on the radio, he was talking about a book of cartoons he has published. I cannot find it on Amazon, does anyone know where I can get it? I would like my son to have it so he does not feel so all alone.
Thank you